How to see top processes sorted by actual memory usage?

use quick tip using top command in linux/unix

$ top

and then hit Shift+m (i.e. write a capital M).

From man top

SORTING of task window
  For compatibility, this top supports most of the former top sort keys.
  Since this is primarily a service to former top users, these commands do
  not appear on any help screen.
    command   sorted-field                  supported
      A         start time (non-display)      No
      M         %MEM                          Yes
      N         PID                           Yes
      P         %CPU                          Yes
      T         TIME+                         Yes

Or alternatively: hit Shift + f , then choose the display to order by memory usage by hitting key n then press Enter. You will see active process ordered by memory usage

First, repeat this mantra for a little while: "unused memory is wasted memory". The Linux kernel keeps around huge amounts of file metadata and files that were requested, until something that looks more important pushes that data out. It's why you can run:

find /home -type f -name '*.mp3'
find /home -type f -name '*.aac'

and have the second find instance run at ridiculous speed.

Linux only leaves a little bit of memory 'free' to handle spikes in memory usage without too much effort.

Second, you want to find the processes that are eating all your memory; in top use the M command to sort by memory use. Feel free to ignore the VIRT column, that just tells you how much virtual memory has been allocated, not how much memory the process is using. RES reports how much memory is resident, or currently in ram (as opposed to swapped to disk or never actually allocated in the first place, despite being requested).

But, since RES will count e.g. /lib/libc.so.6 memory once for nearly every process, it isn't exactly an awesome measure of how much memory a process is using. The SHR column reports how much memory is shared with other processes, but there is no guarantee that another process is actually sharing -- it could be sharable, just no one else wants to share.

The smem tool is designed to help users better gage just how much memory should really be blamed on each individual process. It does some clever work to figure out what is really unique, what is shared, and proportionally tallies the shared memory to the processes sharing it. smem may help you understand where your memory is going better than top will, but top is an excellent first tool.